Liturgy On the Links

This is a satirical piece I wrote a few years ago for a golf magazine. Don’t be offended golfers; I think it could apply just as well to any number of American pastimes.

An extraterrestrial visitor was assigned to study the practice of religion in an American city. The following is his report:

“My initial research revealed that the first day of the earth week is the most common time for religious observance. So, I set out to find the largest group who were worshipping on that day. It was soon apparent that an outdoor area, with rolling landscape and well-manicured grass pastures was the place.

The worshippers began arriving in groups of four; some were dressed in colorful costumes and each carried a bag of instruments—presumably for ceremonial purposes. The more devout ones were there when the sun arose.

Each devotee began his adoration by placing a small sphere on a tiny pedestal near the ground. I thought he would fall down and worship it on the spot, but the grim ritual had just begun. Next he selected an instrument from his bag and started a series of symbolic body gyrations. Then, without warning, the devotee violently struck the sphere with his instrument while shouting the names of various deities. This liturgy was repeated several times, evoking a wide range of emotions from anger to extreme happiness. Finally the service was culminated by the consumption of a ceremonial liquid at a place called the 19th hole.

Even though many faithfully practice this religion, a few avoid their duty by hiding in buildings, with steep-pitched roofs and stained-glass windows, where they shamelessly sing, meditate, and make speeches. I personally don’t think this apostate group will survive, because they do not have the zeal for making new converts that I saw with the sphere-worshipers.”